GULP!

No surprise: a more-than-slightly-pornographic two-foot, one-pound hot dog (serving, at minimum, what various offshore All-American websites specializing in moaning and heavy breathing like to call a "threesome"...) is coming to Arlington Stadium, home of the Texas Rangers.

The price tag: $26. (Tape measure not included.)

Seriously, this is a truly strange photo...visually arranged, apparently, by someone who had just consumed two or three of these mamas and was having trouble standing up.

The saving grace? That displaced jalapeño. Not inspired enough, however, for us to waver from the most urgent cultural, nutritional, and ontological warnings.

Just remember what happened to Babe Ruth when he ate the primordial version of this thingee back in 1925 (apparently in multiple stages)...so if you and your friends decide to order one, phone ahead to reserve a room at South Hampton Community Hospital, just a short ambulance ride away from Arlington. (And don't worry about the fact that it's just emerging from its second bankruptcy!!)

(And you thought we never did public service announcements...!)